Pamela Vanden Bos

       I know better. Really I do!  Heck, I was raised in a family that shoved the fear of God down our throats. So, when I think of this expression that comes from the New Testament, in which Jesus tells his followers to love their enemies and offer their other cheek to those who have struck one cheek (Luke 6:29), trust me, I completely ‘get’ it.

     However, to understand my predicament, you must realize, that I have seven fluffy marshmallow white dogs with angelic ebony eyes, black ink lined lips, and shiny leather button noses. These regal miniature dust mops run rampant throughout my house and weigh between 4-7 pounds.  Moreover, one of them is a wrong-doer.

     Here is the situation. Whenever I walk out of the front door, one of those pedigreed mongrels inevitably targets my derriere, bestowing me with a stinging love nip. Ya-ouch!

     I’ve tried, twirling around quickly to discipline the culprit, only to behold all seven identical Maltese dogs arranged in a semicircle. Some are watching me with adoring bright eyes, while others are simply licking their own pampered paws or a mate’s ear. Talk about frustrating. I’m telling you, one of these ingenuous little darlings, just bit me right in the bum.

     Recognizing the tushie-biting offender might be one of my problems. So now, as I groom each designer dog, I will change up his or her hairstyle. The boys get shorter fur, shaved heads and a goatee or handlebar mustache. (They look so manly.) The girls have longer hair, flowing tail feathers and delicately defined bangs. I make sure each pup is identifiably different.

     With the dogs all-looking their Sunday best, I’m ready to confront the little hiney-nipper today. Grabbing my purse and car keys, I casually open the front door, pretending to leave. 

      I hear the click-click of tiny toenails scurrying across the floor. Commotion erupts. I feel the pointed barb of a tooth pressing deeply into my soft right butt cheek. As I whirl, three dogs do this, cross-over-switch-figure-eight-exercise.  How pathetic; they obviously have been practicing, and have out maneuvered me.

     Frankly, I don’t feel as if I have any options left. Therefore, today, as I leave the house, I stumble through the doorway…backwards.  Protecting my backside is my main concern however; I do enjoy giving those little hellions the evil-eye on my way out of the door.

     Sincerely, I’m all for the ‘concept’ of turning the other cheek. Nevertheless, in this house, I am not offering my other cheek, because, I know it’s gonna bite me in the arse.